my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
