Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she was so not down for the gang bang
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
