I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
