my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
