The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
