I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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