Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
