P.S. I can't hear my feet
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's no shave November. This is our time.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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