Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
