You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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