I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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