it wasn't lemon gatorade
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
