Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
