I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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