Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
