You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
