Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
