Kiss
Puke
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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