Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
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