everyone is single if you try hard enough
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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