I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
