my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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