You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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