i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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