Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
