I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
