It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
