Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
