hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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