my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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