seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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