my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
