What did we do last night that was yellow?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
