Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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