Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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