Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
