I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
