the condom got lost in my hair
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
