Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
