fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
