So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
