There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
