when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
