i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
