You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
