I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
