Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
