Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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