Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
