ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
What a dumb baby whore.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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